Please Note: All discussion regarding the coronavirus pandemic, lockdown, regulations, etc. in this blog is directly related to my personal experience.
So, a few things have changed.
Most importantly, Stevetendo.com—which borrows a username I've been using since the late aughts that recently celebrated an anniversary—has officially upgraded with a fancy new design and a lot more writerly based info. It took a long time to design and implement all of these front-of-house and behind-the-scenes elements.
I wish I could tell you I didn't spend hours meticulously obsessing over the most minor things, but I can't. So I won't. I did. Hours. Days. Weeks. And...
*drifts off mid-sentence and stares into the distance*
Anyway, I'm stoked with how it ultimately turned out.
What else, what else…
Oh yeah, I'm a dad now.
Actually, that seems like more important news. Maybe I should have started with that...
Pandemic Parenting
So yeah, there's that.
Surprise!
My son, Austin, was born last May in the relatively early days of the United Kingdom's first lockdown.
The final months of Thea's pregnancy were sadly spent contending with the pandemic and what it meant for, y'know...giving birth to new life. Unfortunately, things didn't get easier when it was time for our son's grand entrance into the world.
Following a horrible hospital experience and traumatic birth, we then had the fun of figuring out how to be pandemic parents, isolated from any form of emotional and physical support.
Remember: this was during the coronavirus pandemic's relatively early days. The United Kingdom was going to beat back the threat in twelve weeks. Our Prime Minister was proudly shaking hands with coronavirus victims. Our test and trace system was primed to be "world beating".
Ahhhh, yes, the halcyon days of yore.
At that point, the dangers of COVID-19 had a lot of unknown variables and no vaccine on the horizon.
Because of all this and more...well...let's just say that my emotional energy needed to be directed onto my new family at that time.
Most other things fell away.
Nesting
Our personal experience saw us unable to visit friends or family, and they, in turn, weren't able to come and see us or our newborn son.
A lot was taken from us as new parents, leading to a tumultuous adjustment period—one made worse by the stripping away of steadfast, resolute, reliable touchstones of normality.
You know, those things you think will always be there because who the fuck expects a pandemic to hit, right?
Apart from...y'know...doomsday preppers, I guess?
After things had eased somewhat and we were finally allowed to meet up with people at a distance or whilst adhering to rules of six, every subsequent social event became a military operation with a checklist of safety protocols.
One thing that didn't meet the requirements was Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
I've written in the past about my love for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and how it often helped me reframe my frustrations and outlook. I've often likened growth in BJJ to my growth as a writer, and it's no exaggeration to say that I lost one of the key cornerstones that helped me balance my mental health.
Now that was gone.
There were periods over the UK's lockdowns where gyms were open and BJJ recommenced, but something about close-quarter grappling with a training partner as you both sweat and breathe on each other in a confined, often tiny space just didn't sit right. Call me crazy.
But despite having our world changed during such a calamitous time, I didn't want to necessarily share or engage in conversation regarding the coronavirus, the government's handling of it, and the views and lackadaisical approach we had seen from certain friends and family.
We were too busy adjusting to being a family, and the kind of heated exchanges that could, and inevitably did, spiral out of it just weren't worth it. Exhaustion and a need to remember basic things—like hygiene and eating—took centre stage.
So at a certain point, I decided to avoid direct conversations with friends and particular family members about it and took that oh-so-healthy approach of bottling it up from most people.
Again, being busy learning how to be a family and a dad, remember?
But then I watched Host...and an idea began to take root.
Host
For those that don't know, Host is a movie available on the horror/thriller streaming network Shudder. The official synopsis reads:
Six friends get together during lockdown for their weekly zoom call. It's Haley's turn to organise an activity and instead of a quiz, she's arranged for a Medium to conduct a séance. Bored and feeling mischievous, Jemma decides to have some fun and invents a story about a boy in her school who hanged himself. However, her prank gives license for a demonic presence to cross over, taking on the guise of the boy in Jemma's made-up story. The friends begin noticing strange occurrences in their homes as the evil presence begins to make itself known, and they soon realise that they might not survive the night.
It's a fun movie that is so intrinsically timely to the pandemic. Sure, the found footage styling isn't new per se, but the way Host utilised the gimmick of telling its story via a Zoom meeting, down to the movie's purposeful runtime and creative credits sequence, was a genius way to embrace the insanity of the surreal "new normal" we've all been living through.
It reminded me how horror is so effective at delivering social commentary, providing writers with an opportunity to explore the darkest sides of themselves and reality in a captivating, entertaining way.
With my mental health on the ropes thanks to zero BJJ, virtually no social engagements bar those done, well, virtually, depression leading to poor dietary choices that quickly became a cycle, and the overt sensation of deep isolation as a new family cut off from any means of assistance from anybody because of the pandemic and stay-at-home orders…I found myself needing an outlet to acknowledge my emotions on the experience and vent my frustrations, especially as we hurtle towards the anniversary of the UK's first lockdown.
So I decided to embrace my fears and filter my tempestuous experiences and feelings into what I know best: writing.
The end result is I Must Scream on Deaf Ears: A Lockdown Horror Short Story.
Why I Must Scream on Deaf Ears
This short story represents my hopes, fears, disappointment, guilt, depression, and anger throughout the coronavirus pandemic. It's about my hope for the future and my frustration at the present and oft-too repeated past.
Like with Host, IMSODE isn't an overt pandemic story. I'm sure literary agent inboxes are currently being flooded with those kinds of stories, and that in a year or two bookshelves will be filled with an influx of these specific tales, so...that's something we can all look forward to.
IMSODE is more representative of a moment in time. Instead of a grand statement on politics, policies, viruses, rank tribalism, science vs personal belief, and post-apocalyptic musings, it is instead a small story revolving around a single character in the wake of his father's non-COVID related death. It's a story about the weight of personal guilt and comprehending grief during a turbulent, isolating, unprecedented time.
Damn, there's that word. Okay, everybody, if you had "unprecedented" on your COVID bingo sheet, be sure to cross it off. Anyone? Just…just cross it off there. Done? Good.
In all seriousness, though, I genuinely hope you'll come along for the ride, especially as this IMSODE marks the start of a few big things. /cryptictease.
You can see the cover and read the synopsis for IMSODE below:
Returning to an empty flat following his father's wake, Seth Harper finds himself drawn to the vacant flat opposite.
Days bleed together as Seth contends with loss, isolation, and the grind of lockdown as a series of unsettling occurrences continue to pull his attention towards the space opposite until he finds himself forced to question his very grip on reality.
Hands. Face. Haunted Space.
I'll be announcing the release date of IMSODE in the next few days on my social media, so be sure to follow me on Twitter or Instagram for further details. And while you're here on Stevetendo.com, make sure to sign up for the newsletter!
Steve R
Cover Image: Sebastiaan Stam
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